Roll On: It Has Been 9 Days

Maybe I'll do series featuring how I feel according to how many days I have worked.

Maybe I will.

this is so out of context but I have to put a picture kann.

Here is the deal. Since there aren't enough spots to do our one-year training/practice service, we can't get the pharmacist practice license. It's the law. Get a degree, practice under supervision for a year (or two) and get the practice license. We need to complete this first. Doctors call it as houseman-ship while for us it is PRP-ship (provisionally registered pharmacist). 

I have waited for about 14 or 15 months to finally get called. I was in the last group from our batch. In those months, we have called many times and were repeatedly promised a spot. Alhamdullilah, this October, I finally get the spot in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Jemaah.

Tomorrow will be the end of my second week and it is DAMN OVERWHELMING.

Staying home for too long had done so much on me.

I forget everything and god know I'm not studying at home for sure, menyesal gilaaaaa.

By everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

From how to focus and study, how to motivate myself, to calm myself, to be confident because now I'm like super penakut of freaking everything and even takut with the pegawai and they are not those garang ones too, wth me! 

I'm not kidding! I feel super timid, I hardly make eye contact, hardly talk. Most of the times I was too quiet for my own good. I was working on automatic and hardly focus to actually get myself practicing. I was hoping that at least my body now had learned to work automatically and just have those muscle memory thingy.

When I get back, I was too tired and can't seem to do anything. Literally anything. Solat and I was like "I can just shower tomorrow~"

I feel so sad. I try to focus, make myself study, in which I can't recall anything that I have studied. I tried to do like daily goals (try to calculate dose today, try to remember the medicine strength we havetoday, try to ask with louder voice today) which I failed miserably. I was so blank and when I try to will myself to focus on those goals, well, let's just say, will me na-ah.

I am now stationed at the out-patient department, meaning those pharmacies you went to collect medicines after being checked by the doctors. To be exact, the filling station, where I'll read the prescription and fills the necessary medications. It was quick and tense (for me lah, others were so laid back), I was always checking only the printed labels although I should have followed the actual prescription itself. I tried to at least reads it and mentally calculate it to make sure it tallies with the printed ones and it took awhile and I feel like I burdened everyone with my slowness. I know I should not feel bad because I'm still new but fuck yeah I'm still feeling super concious. 

I don't know.

One thing for sure is that now, I kinda feel like being a pharmacist in a hospital was actually quite a nice job. I can actually picture myself in the future doing this forever although I always thought I didn't fit in. Although it might be too early to say this since I still didn't do my clinical attachments. 

Oh ya, for this whole year, I will be rotated to all pharmacist department in the hospital so that I can learn everything. When I get the license and can practice legally (insyaAllah), I will be changed to a new hospital where there will I get a specific service/post to focus on. The services include clinical department (those in the wards), the outpatient department, storage departments (manage all those medicine buying etc), inpatient department (caters medicine supply to the wards) and some other services that will take longer explanation.

I should study now but in the midst of needing to study everything, stuck on where to start and also the main problem of not being able to focus - here am I, writing. 

Writing babbling.   

Yay.