Roll On: It Has Been 30 days + 10 Hours

I'M ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If I ever say "He's alive" or "I'm alive" or "It's alive" please understand that it is an indirect reference to Frankenstein (1931) movie - specifically the part where the Frankenstein lives.

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I had been wanting to write for forever after my previous post but I thought, let's wait a week so that I can give better insight (macam experiment hambik kau) but then things happen and being a working human means I'm lazy + tired + busy. Real question though, anyone misses me?

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So how's "working" after my previous depressing post? Honestly, I live for that excitement after 5pm before I return to my room feeling anxious that ishouldstudyishouldstudyishouldstudy but I'm too tired or I-just-can't-focus or what-the-heck-i-should-study-anyway? 

During this time, I have been pouring my heart out to my friends and they have showered me with some good advice and reminders like -

1. I can't compare myself to a "pegawai". Of course they knew better, they have worked for awhile already.

2. If any negativity happens, just let it pass and don't be bothered by it. 

3. Fuck what others say and what they "might" think as long as you know you're not doing bad things (my friends are decent, they don't really say fuck).

4. Yes, we will fell anxious everyday but it's okay (this hit me hard and just something I really need)

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5. Be dumb, it's okay, it's not a sign of weakness. I realize that I'm afraid to ask because I thought people expects that I know things which is at some points, true, but I just don't remember everything. Sometimes, I do remembers it but either I'm feeling to anxious or just tenses, I can't have myself recalling my memories. That's what make it harder for me and for this I don't have a choice but just ask and ask and try to adapt myself so that I can function better. 

6. Do it for the sake of yourself and not because you want to impress others. I always thought before that I should do things so that my preceptor (the pegawai that will rate me) will sees it and then I can get better mark. Although it is true but it kinda stresses me out until my friend point out that ultimately, my time practicing now is so that I can practice better in the future. Trying to surpass people expectation only stresses you out so it will be hard to improve yourself. So do it at your own pace/way. InshaAllah by time you will improve and that will be seen in your work for my preceptor to rate.

7. Do your work honestly for Allah. My salary will be used by me and my family so it is important to make sure it's barokah is there. For that, I need to be honest in my work, all the time, every time and man, this always soothes me when things feels too much.

But most importantly, I started to remind myself conciously that I need to forgive myself and not expect so much from myself. I have to do it at my own pace and in this beginning phase - it will be hard and it is okay. I just have to do my best but not pushing it too much or else I'll be stressed out all the freaking times. Lets hope I can adapt fast and stop feeling so anxious every morning before work.

Although, I do feeling better now so I don't bother my friends much lol. Thanks guys for spending time to actually help me. I love you guys so much.

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Those who had commented such kind words at my previous post have also make my life better. It's good to know someone who barely knew me actually care enough to give such good words. My blogger friends are the best!

Oh, why the 10 hours? I started my other-than-office-hours shift this week (yay me!) and had done two evening shift which is last Monday and last night (from 5pm to 10pm). Tomorrow's night will be my very first night shift, (10pm-8am). Monday will be my day off since those who work night shift and the next day is a working day will automatically gets the day off.  

Tune in for my next update and we'll see if I'm still having anxiety~

By the way, I've been eating in some cool places here in Sungai Besar, I think I might need to do review for those~

Bye for now, stay away from IT clown.