Roll On: It Has Been 70 Days and My Anxiety

This one is to all my friend having any hard time - I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.

I was trying so hard to dodge this topic. From the moment I started working, I realize I have this anxiousness. I keep telling myself it was just me trying to settle in but I guess I still am because this anxiety things keep on coming. I kinda hate calling it anxiety as anxiety itself is a kind of mental disease and I really *really* didn't think that I am that bad but anywayyyy.

It is hard. For the first couple of weeks, I kept telling myself that I am adapting and my body is just tired. I thought that by going home each week and spending more time at work - it will get better - I can do this. It still feels so overwhelming. TOO OVERWHELMING.

I wasn't sleeping well. At times I keep on waking up in the middle of the night. I keep having vivid dreams about problems at work that I actually woke up and thought it was real which means spending the next five minutes contemplating "why did I do that" until I realized it was just a dream. I tried to manage priorities for my PRP requirement and then spending the next 5 minutes worrying what if things didn't go as I planned etc etc etc even though I know well that I can't control anything. Not to mention that I have to physically remind myself almost every morning that I can do this (and I know well that I can too) and simply just breath properly.

The real big issue is that I am well aware that I didn't suppose to feel this way - but I still do.

On top of that, I thought my room was depressing. So I start with this mini makeover which was a success and actually makes my room feel a bit like safe haven though now I realize that I really miss myself some real companies.

I wasn't really a person that have those good buddies to hang out all the time and simply Whatsapp-ing every one minute. I always kept to myself. But I do have a circle of people that are always there during my time in UKM. I didn't mind being solitary because everyone knows that Afifah keeps her shit well together and is a good reference to check your shit. But what I failed to realize is that I was so well put because I still have this circle of people I know I can count on and be comfortable with.

I went to KL last Saturday night and spent the night at a hotel with my sister - it was such a simple night. We watched some lame horror movie starred by Fattah Amin, ordered a takeaway and gleefully glee-ing over BTS. It feels so calming. The next day, I had a nice breakfast with light reading and shopping - books, earplugs, white coats, shoes, some present for sisters and obnoxiously expensive manicure. Next, I have my lunch at Sushi King (craved satisfied - FINALLY) with my friend - we talked like nobody business. I told her about my anxiety and she told me how hard pharmacy is and of course me agreeing and failing to keep her spirit up - leave those to the positive-minded people because I am totally done sending good vibes.

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It's good to do things that take my mind of my problems but this is temporary. I am now back at my room still feeling just the same. That's what I realized the most that everything was just a distraction until I am back at feeling miserable. My friend and I were contemplating if pharmacy wasn't for us - when we both realized that the hard work and the expectation (of other and ourselves) is what been bugging us. For this "hard word" to stop being an issue - we just have to work a couple more years (pfft) for us to become "well-trained" and yeah, we need to stop expecting too much. Nobody born a genius overnight.

Although this is gonna sound like a lie after what I have just written - I am very well good sir/madam.

Please don't worry about me. It's a fight but now I know how to go about it like come on - it has been 70 days already, I ought to properly manage this. Afifah keeps her shit well together - remember?

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