One Month Into Being A Manager and Having No Friend

One Month Into Being A Manager and Having No Friend

Nov 29, 2020

I have been blessed with two very good staff in my first time ever being a leader of a place. It is only one pharmacy but still, I am so thankful although there is a lot of work since this is their first-time-ever working in a pharmacy.

I did meet my sister last Monday and had a good lunch with her and I am envious that the place that we ordered in is too far away from my place. A friend of mine had an interview somewhere here last week so I got to meet her and finally able to eat at this beautiful book cafe. I also got the chance to meet a couple of my friends from my previous hospital and went to this amazing cafe that has beautiful art pieces all around it. I was thinking to do some cafe hunting series since it feels safer to share those now seeing how public this place is so there are little chances for you guys to actually guess where I am staying lol.

All of these meet-ups require planning because I have lost my luxury of spontaneity. Everyone is at least a 40-minute drive away and are only available on weekend. I do have ONE friend that lives close-by but he, being a man and also with a girlfriend although we don't understand why he is being so secretive about it, is not the kind of spontaneity that I can splurge on. Plus he is such an annoying person I genuinely don't understand why I called him a friend.

Anyway, it's not like I got lonely or anything. I finally get to sit and finished my anime and I also just finished The Haunting of Bly Manor which is so good. I read though I do wish I will write more instead. I do have a list of small projects that I need to get on but just don't feel like it yet. So yeah, it feels even more lively to do these while still feeling accomplished at work.

Tomorrow will mark my first month of working as a community pharmacist and I have spent this weekend staying home and just chilling. It feels good to rest knowing you have been pouring a good and honest work for the week. I remember feeling that I need to do something productive over the weekend just to feel like I do something with my life but I simply take a nap in the evening today and not feeling like I wasted the time upon waking up.

via GIPHY

There are some flaws here and there that I notice plus the fact that I need to do some work over the weekend because it was told so last minute but you win some you lose some. Although I do make a mental note to do just a bit over the weekend and do the rest tomorrow when I went back in. Someone commented in my last post to work smart and play hard so heck yeah I will.

I miss my home. It has been a while since I went home due to PKPB but it doesn't feel as bad as before. I don't know if it was because this is our second time at PKPB so I just got used to it or because I feel better with my work so it didn't weigh on me much. I wonder when I can go home.

My new laptop has finally arrived, and it has been such a lifesaver since the PC that they installed at work was a faulty one. They need to buy a new one if I'm not mistaken so that will take some time. Oh, that reminds me that I need to do a review on this laptop. I even subscribe to Microsoft 365 and all.

I'm starting to get the hang of this new routine which includes not buying Cappucino every day, nasi campur for life, and the fact that Petronas near my workplace make such a delicious croissant.

I hope PKPB ends soon so I can go home next week or else I can visit those workspace cafes and finally write that long-postponed part two review of my Hannan Medispa's experience.

Ending My Three Years Service With The Government

Ending My Three Years Service With The Government

Oct 30, 2020

As of today, I am officially resigned from government service. 

I'm not sure why my, now previous, unit's leader still puts me in the list of peoples who were taking off days. I still haven't left my work's WhatsApp group. I was thinking to leave it when I officially start my new work. I hope she realizes that my resignation has officially started today. 

Anyway.

I have moved out of my previous rented place yesterday and have now comfortably settled in my new rented place. There is some stuff I needed to buy which has been easily acquired thanks to the fact that I now lived in a more developed place. But sadly, it seems like my bed slats are falling off and now being held with a pair of chopstick, a pencil, and a paintbrush plus it seems like I might have broken the washing machine by simply using it (the other tenant has just used it and it works just fine).

There is some stuff that I bought in which delivery has been delayed due to PKPB. I hope my friend has picked it up and now I'm setting up a plan to meet her tomorrow although we just did an actual farewell yesterday. Since I can't cross states, I can't go back to my hometown, so there are high chances that I will still hang up with them during the weekend #lol.

A colleague of mine asked me how I was feeling leaving all those three years the day before my last day at the hospital and I genuinely don't know. I just say "ask me again tomorrow".

Funnily, my last day is the same as my, now ex, Ketua Pegawai Farmasi so it was a good distraction. 

I had a week worth of holidays which I was supposed to be spending it at my hometown only to be stuck with PKPB but somehow managed to spend every day of it eating out and spending time with my friends so now suddenly. being in a new place, all foreign and alone, just hit so hard. 

It was so different from my old place but in a good way. It is a really good housing area and it is a bit far back and gated so there are only residents cars going about here which makes it more peaceful. My room is smaller but it was more "chic" and I have a tall window that brightens the room so well. I just love the sunlight so much. 

I have visited my new workplace and thank god the signboard is up. I'm going to be a community pharmacist in a newly opened branch here. I'm not sure if they have already stocked up the place because it seems like their HR has been too busy to enlighten me but all is well. 

I'm scared, to be honest. I'm venturing into something so foreign and unsure. There is this big responsibility I need to hold and I'm doing this all alone, far away from my friend and family. But at the same time, all of these excites me. Those three years in the government hospital have served me well but it got so mundane. Now, I feel refreshed with life. Like I can start a new me.

Pray the best for me.

via GIPHY

p/s: I'm a contract-based worker. If you don't realize it by now, the pharmacists and the doctors in Malaysia are now being hired on a contract basis. For the pharmacists, it is a three-year contract and that was it. However, due to Covid-19, those who have been hired during 2017 have been given an extension of six months contract. As my three years contract ended, I did a month from those new six-month contract and then I resign from it. Some of my friends didn't take those six-month contracts and simply being let go. Now you know it.

A Day in My Pharmacist Life

A Day in My Pharmacist Life

Sep 8, 2020

There is this one time, my friend asked me what I'm going to do that night. It was such a weird question because it was the regular weekday and I'm like "Nothing?".

I just got into work today after a week worth of holiday doing practically nothing at my parent's home. I played games, cooks, cleans, eat and watch anime. So my Monday blues was heavy but somehow I feel like I need to write so here is a story of how today went which is almost the same for every day.

I stayed at a rented house that I shared with another friend of mine. It was about 20 minutes drive to get to work. I usually wake up at 630 am. I always wanted to wake up earlier but I only really wakes up when the clock hits 630 am. I did my Subh prayer, make a cup of coffee, and prepare to work. I usually get some bread for breakfast the day before but I didn't have anything today so I make a stop at Shell and get myself some Gardenia waffles and milk. Sometimes I'll get my bread from the bakery. Most of my colleagues usually buy something along the way as well and eat it at work. But since we don't really have an allocated time for breakfast, it was a bit tricky so I prefer something easy like bread or kuih instead.

I work at outpatient pharmacy department which means our service is at the counter from 8am to 5pm to cater patients that come that day. We have island dispensing systems which mean there is separate counter and we will cater a patient's prescription step by step or in this case, counter by counter. The first counter will screen it and transcribe it into the system (if they have one). The next counter will fill the medication needed and give it to the next counter who will label everything. Then it will be countersign before we pass it to the next counter to be dispense. 

I was stationed at labeling today which is so rare. I usually did the first screening or dispense. There were plenty of patients so I was practically glued to the chair. While doing that, I will also make sure that everything was chronologically ordered and to make sure that no patient gets stuck somewhere. It was quite an uneventful day since usually any problem will be settled by the first screener. 

My colleagues asked me to put on Spotify while we work and she told me about some of Yuna's song that she liked. It seems like Yuna's self titled album debuted 2012 suits me better. I recently changed to Celcom which has better coverage. Previously, they had to listen to my offline playlist which have rather randomized songs lol.

We ordered food delivery for lunch almost every day. There are two persons currently who are regularly available and they will deliver it right to our doorstep. Today's menu is ayam masak lemak with sayur campur. Sometimes if we got too fed-up, we will go out but that is a rare occasion since we always indulge our laziness lol.

We have clinic days about three to four times per week. Today's clinic is surgical which usually didn't have many patients. Apart from clinic days, we will also cater Jabatan Pesakit Luar (which operates on weekdays from 8am to 5pm) and also the emergency department. So today's patient is mostly from Jabatan Pesakit Luar. Since this is a district hospital and we have few klinik kesihatan, we usually cater about 200 to 250 patients per day.

Apart from working at the counter, each of us has our own portfolio. For me, I am in charge of Value Added Services. What it means is that we provide some services that will ease patient's medicine collection process. Other portfolio includes stock control (with different classes of medications handled by different persons), managing drug's supply for patient that wanted to take their medicine in other KKM facilities, counseling, adherence clinic, manufacturing, and many more that is just too complicated for me to explain.

These portfolios all have measurable data which is how we keep track of everything  and thus detecting any issues and coming out with a solution. Since it is early month, we need to key in these data so whenever I got some free time, I will calculate everything and keyed it in. I also wanted to do some changes in how I want to keep track of one of my service so I went around the pharmacy and explain to everyone because I wanted to make sure everyone really, really, understand it. 

It was a rather uneventful day. We would sometimes faces some weird issues but everything went smoothly today except for this one patient that tells two different stories to us and the doctor. It was annoying. Sometimes patient will think a medication is superior than the others and they will have these preferences while omitting other medications which is what happens with this patient. If such things happen, we will have to explain to the patient that their understanding is wrong. Sometimes they admit they are wrong but sometimes they will just continue doing it.

Our main Value Added Services is Collect and Go. It basically means we packed partial supply beforehand so we can dispense it quicker when the patient come to take their monthly supply. I was going to that in the evening but only managed to do it not even halfway as when need to attend a presentation did by our fellow colleague at 3pm. It seems like this week willl have daily presentation by our warfarin team. The presentation lasted for an hour. Mind you that the counter is still open so we had to juggle between serving the counter and hearing the presentation. But we usually have fewer patients in the evening as most clinic appointments is scheduled in the morning.

I finished work at 5pm and make a stop to buy dinner. I cooked sometimes but I mostly have takeaways or went out with my friends. The traffic was surprisingly heavy and I guess I was tired that missed a turn so I only reached home by 6pm. 

I played a lot of Calls of Duty mobile nowadays and since I feel so tired, I will usually scroll Instagram or TikTok and then go to sleep. Sometimes I will catch-up on my Netflix or watch anime but I usually will be too tired to focus. 

Narqes Skinttelligent (medispa) Review

Narqes Skinttelligent (medispa) Review

Sep 1, 2020

I want to make a short and concise update but I can't plus there's a major borderline depressing plot twist in the end, so, yeah, there's that.

So sometimes in July, Narqes emailed me asking if I could do a review of their services and I was like "hey, this is the new medispa at Manjung!" 

I don't know what they saw in my blog but I just can't bring myself for payment when they asked me what the price is. I just settled for free treatment. I am just immensely thankful to get the chance to try another medispa for free. If you've read my review of Dr. Ko Skin Specialist and Hannan Medispa, you would notice that my review isn't those commercial-ish ones. I don't get anything from it and I just wanted to share my experience so this is going to be just like that as well.

Anyway, my skin hasn't been well. Let's do some recap. 

I got recurrent breakouts especially around my jaw and chin area mid-MCO which is so hard to heal as I'm wearing a mask all day long. The mask makes it damp and the friction hurts my skin. About a month into it, I focus on hydration and I am able to heal it and new ones only pop out once in a while. When RMCO started I went to Hannan Medispa and did ASA on active acnes so that I can be prepared for my next derma pen session. That derma pen was in early July. I'm still rather conflicted with the derma pen result but that's another review for another time.

About two weeks before going into treatment at Narqes, I notice that my face get more oily than usual and my face was still a bit burned due to our Penang trip. Not only that, I also have these tiny acnes around my lips and it was so alarming because I never had those. 

I was a bit worried to go to Narqes knowing that my skin is just so bad. I was having mini breakout around my jaw and adapalene helps to lessen it but there are still plenty of it. Not to mention, I'm only doing one session so I am not going to see much difference but I went anyway.

Some background information about Narqes Skintelligent (NS). 

The founder of NS is a pharmacist named Narqes Raimi hence the name Narqes. I think she had some cooperation with Hannan Medispa early in her medispa career but then branches out and open her own. Their branches are located mostly in Selangor, two at Kedah and the newest one is here in Manjung, Perak. They also have a branch in Uttara Dhaka, Bangladesh. Apart from medispa treatments, they also have their own line of skincare products and provide antibiotics as well (or at least here in Manjung they gave doxycycline).

I was greeted by their therapist named Sabreena. The doctor in charge of Manjung's branch wasn't available that day. I told her about my current skin concern and my last medispa session (with Hannan Medispa) and was reprimanded when I admitted I didn't wear my sunscreen that day. I am so sorry lol.

I was supposed to get my skin analyzed using their machine called Clreo but that thing throws a tantrum and just won't start so I couldn't do it. It was a bit of a bummer but it was rather okay since I'm not looking for further treatment at the moment so I didn't really need the back-to-back comparisons. But if you do take a package and doing a series of sessions, I would strongly suggest getting your face analyzed before your first session.

It seems like the type of treatments available is almost like Hannan Medispa except that I was told that the way their acids/formulation or something is probably a bit of a different mix. After looking at my skin, the therapist suggested two of NS Signature's treatment which is diamond silk peel and acne peel. 

The treatment process starts per usual with cleansing. Diamond silk peels is a microdermabrasion process done after steaming our face. The treatments generally kinda scrap off but gently, your outer skin layer, and this also cleanses your pores. It wasn't painful at all. It feels like cool watery mild suction and once the process finishes, they show you how much the dirt they pull out. I forgot to take a picture but their Instagram stories shows it which is just like mine was. What's interesting is that they did upper body massage and that includes face massage too. Although they did tell they might omit face massage if the acne breakout was too bad. The massage was good but the face massgae especially was even better!

Afterward was the acne peel where they apply a type of acid on my problem areas which stings a bit but the application was only for a little while before they wipe it off. It was meant to "peel" off the acne and there are purging following it. The peel will only take effect the following day and last for a few days. The treatment continues with LED blue and red light therapy and was finished with some more massage. I love the massage so much.

As the treatment finishes, I was served some tea and biscuit. We further discuss about post treatment care. I only wash my face with water for the first three days. The part where they put the acid dries off big time and my skin starts to be flaky. My skin purges for a week but the acne clears out easily and since my skin was still dry due to the acne peel treatment, the acne simply dries off too. Although I did start to use adapalene on it after the three days finishes.

There are more tiny bumps due to purging and as you can see, my chin and jaw area are the most problematics one so the NS acne peel focuses more at those spots. You can see my skin start to be flaky and start to peel as well. My side jaw was affected too but I don't know why I forgot to take pictures. Since it is skin purging, you can see that tiny acne clears out the next day. 

I have started to go to work back which means mask on 24/7. There are less bumps and by the fifth day, it kinda looks good. Since skin purging means the activation on any going to be acne, I can feel like my chin are cleansed (?) except for the ongoing purge.

It was borderline depressing seeing how bad the purging were and I was excited that by the end of the week, the purge improves a great deal and I love seeing my skin without all the pores sticking out. The microdermabrasion effects glows better when my skin aren't too dry anymore. I only uses sunblock, cetaphil, moisturizer and adapalene during the whole week. 

Not let's get into the plot twist. The very next week, my jaw starts to have more breakout and I was so confused because it was like the purging ones but it didn't go off as easily. I was having doubt that my skin would purge again after the previous one has healed well. One thing to keep in mind is I am wearing a face mask all day long. But it seems like the purging heals quite nice despite wearing a mask all day long. However, this time, it just keeps on worsen like legit no acne in the morning, acne in the afternoon. I was losing my mind. I don't know what causes it as I was only doing the very same thing until it hits me that I use my brother's sunscreen while at home during the weekend as I forgot to bring mine with me. It was ONE TIME. I rarely went out of the house during the weekend but we out for lunch, so I need to put on sunscreen. 

But then does that one thing really did me badly like this? I'm started to think my skin has become another level of fuckedupness. I mean why my skin first of all why was it so oily even with all the moisturizer I've been wearing? I am so tired at this point.

In conclusion, my skin acts again but Narqes did a really good job. But facial treatment can only last depending on how frequent you did it and also your basic skincare routine. I'm yet to find a good routine to suit this Covid-19 situation. I think the bad sleeping pattern and also my poor eating habit has also worsen the condition, so the tricks I used earlier as MCO started isn't enough anymore. So now enjoy the improvement of acne despite the purging but not really completely improved as my skin breaks out again. I'm starting to think that I'll just live with it. At least I am wearing mask 24/7 now.

Anyway SHOUTOUT TO NARQES for giving me free treatment and grab their first trial RM99 promotion for signature treatment before it ends!

My Hacks to Chill and Keep Grounded

My Hacks to Chill and Keep Grounded

Aug 11, 2020

hi. 

It has been so overwhelming for the past two months. I don't know why but it just so. Just last Thursday I got this mini anxiety (is that even legit?) because I have to cook early in the morning for the staff so that I can finish my bread and eggs that were expiring, had to manage a dinner plan for 12 that needed 40 minutes to drive while still needed to travel another four hours to Penang the next day for a three days trip. 

The timeline was all mixed up but I remember that I went for a day trip to Pangkor on Sunday and got back at almost midnight only to work tomorrow. Then to make thing more interesting, the whole week was packed with dinner plans, a 2pm to 10pm shift, buying a present and saying goodbye to our friend that got a job at Sabah. It was exhausting and I still went back to my hometown as I got an appointment at Hannan Medispa.

Then there is also this one week where I feel so shitty and depress which is most probably due to my menses is nearing and to top it off, I also got the weekend's shift. This was the same week where a friend of mine was being obnoxiously stupid and it was just so annoying and maddening. I had to give him a silent treatment just to chill and show that YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME. 

Ok, maybe I'm still a bit bitter.

via GIPHY

There was a blur of more dinner plans, planning for Penang trip, settling some works stuff, simply taking care of myself, my life's routine of questioning what I am doing with my life and I only seem to get a good sleep while at hometown. Amidst all those confusion I started to get acne due to mask-wearing and my hair is thinning and falling so bad. I don't have the luxury to care for my food intake and now I gain like 4kg like WHERE DID YOU COME FROM??

Anyway, it was a miracle that I'm still sane. The only way that I still survive those and not losing my mind is by doing these small things that keep me grounded and just be at ease. Keeping grounded is important for me because it feels like I'm going to lose myself if I just let the day pass without checking in with myself. It feels like I just float and got lost in the sky. Anyway, these weren't really THE tips for a wholesome and happy life but it helps me to cope when things feel too overwhelming.

Less social media time

I realized that I keep being on my phone to keep my mind off things but it just makes me feel even worse. I don't know how to scientifically explained it but it just is. So by being on my phone, especially social media, less, will help me feel a bit clear-headed. But not being on the phone just make me anxious. I need to be doing something but sometimes I'm just too tired to do anything productive or things that need me to focus like reading or writing. 

It wasn't totally foolproof but I have these little tricks I play on myself to get me off my phone. It didn't last long but it still helps. I consciously make rules that I need to obey before I can get on my phone. For example, I'm going to eat my food in silence and just savor it before checking my phone or I'm not going to check my phone and just enjoy the company I'm having at the moment or I let my battery drained and let it charge to full first because it will ensure my battery health. Sometimes I make a list of simple things I can do back to back and it helps me feeling accomplish so then I don't feel bad for being on my phone. If I really don't have anything to do, I make sure I watched something on Netflix instead of scrolling social media.

Good sleep

Good sleep is important. But I usually managed to sleep earlier easily and better at my hometown. I usually got nothing better to do by 10pm on weekdays but I can't bring myself to sleep early as I have always had this internal clock that I sleep at 12am. Usually, it wasn't really a problem to sleep at 12am because I always get a good sleep so I feel well-rested the next morning. But nowadays, I don't feel that way anymore.

I also just realized that my current lifestyle is taking a toll on my mental health so I really needed that good sleep. It helps me to start my day right and getting enough rest just puts the stress away. Now I'm trying to sleep earlier and set a new internal clock. It might take months to adjust but I think it is my next step in life or else I'll keep on feeling tired all day long. Not to mention that now I must have a decent breakfast instead of just coffee because I'll get all moody and sad waiting for lunch but lunch doesn't satisfy me much. I really did get to a stage in life where poor sleep and diet just ruin my day.

via GIPHY

Reading and Writing Poetry

Reading has been a great solace for me. I was so happy to learn about knowing Haruki Murakami's works. Reading his books, however confusing the storyline is, it always put me at ease. It was either the way he explains things or simply how he walks the characters, make me feel calm in following it. 

Writing poetry, on the other hand, is a good way for me to play with my creative side. It gives me a sense of hands-on activity that put me away from the mundane way of life. Though it is arguable to say that I'm a creative person. Sometimes I like to venture on a topic that has occupied my mind and just can't seem to fall through. By writing it, it gives me some sense of control and a whole lot of better understanding. Sometimes it helps me to let go. When some particular issues crowded my mind so hard, I try to make myself write a poem out of it and it calms me.

Time off from peoples

I'm not one to talk much if you're not my crowd even if we're going to work together, just the two of us, for the next 10 hours. I find it serenely resetting to spend my night shift with a person that I don't talk much and just not talking. You do you, I do me. We're going to be fine. Sometimes peoples are overwhelming to me. So I will consciously try to avoid being near peoples that I don't feel like vibing especially at work. There are a few times that I just spend my day with myself instead of going home. I don't know if it an ambivert thing or whatnot but I find myself needing that alone time especially after spending time with peoples. A day should be just fine and then I'm good.

Cleaning

I'm not really the tidiest person but I can't stand mess except when I'm tired. Which I always do now. But doing small things to clean stuff and put order into things really calms me. It also put me into a good mood though I take forever to do it. There is this weekend where I purposely spent my morning cleaning around the house because the week ha been too much for me and it works. I knew that cleaning makes me feel good but I thoughts it was because I finally put things where it should be but it turns out the act of cleaning itself helps me to feel better. So now sometimes, I tried to clean a bit in the morning of things that I left the night before because I was so tired and it helps me to feel better to go to work.

That's it! Omg, this is long and it took a whole week to write. 

Covid-19 Diary (Part 7) - Nine Things in MCO

Covid-19 Diary (Part 7) - Nine Things in MCO

Jul 13, 2020

So, fun fact! All this quarantine has made me realize how much I have compromised in the name of "everyone has flaws and I am not perfect either". I was so eager to please peoples that it grows so tiring especially when I know these aren't the person I actually want to spend quarantine time together. Out of the many peoples at work, there are only a few that I truly feel bring me actual peace. Most of my actual good friends have been transferred and it was funny how I literally only have this one guy that I can actually call my friend at work. But oh my god, this stupid man is really testing my patience.

Anyway, I was actually a bit depressed with how tiring the past two weeks have been and also life, in general, itself but now I am feeling a bit better after drinking this goodness of a dalgona coffee that is seriously a godsend. 

Thank god for good food cause drugs and alcohol are self-destructive so that's a nope. Also, we went for a day trip to Pangkor the other and since it has become a duty-free island, there's a mart selling chocolates so now I have eleven packs of Kinder Buenos #chocolateislife.

Anyway, I am doing these updates on life in points as inspired by Ain Sofiyah's post but since focusing on how life has been as we live in this recovery phase.

#one - Staying true to myself

Spending more time with my colleagues during MCO has made me realized that I was compromising a lot and it gets a bit too much for me even when I reason with myself that "everyone has flaws and I ain't perfect either". I tried so hard to please peoples that it just tires me out physically and emotionally. I didn't even realize it until at one point I just got confused with how I acted and really did went "is that actually me?". It was astronomical how light my heart feels when I went out with my actual friends than when I am with my colleagues. There is a reason my I didn't call my colleagues as friends even though we were comfortable around each other like what "friends" look like. My colleagues weren't bad peoples. They just not my kind of peoples. Although there are some of them that actually bring me peace. Anyway, I just need to tone it down a little and be true to myself. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I only need to hold myself against me.

#two - Spending more time outside

As we can now dine in a restaurant, my colleague had us went out to eat once per week and it has been going on strong for four weeks now. I think they might hold next week off since we went out twice this week. I also went out multiple times with my friends and we did a last-minute trip to Pangkor to celebrate our friend that will be transferring to Sabah. I also had a few days off to just spend time with my family. I believe in creating memories with peoples that you care and it does not have to be only the close ones. We live in a community so once in a while, we have to celebrate that. So, it was so good to have all these chances to bond with peoples around me.

#three - Anime and Netflix series

I bought Bungo Stray Dogs Season Two because Netflix only has season one and season three. Confusing huh? But it turns out that Netflix have recently updated their series and now have season two as well but I didn't even open the DVD plastic wrapper yet. Ruginya duit sobs. I am currently putting anime on hold because the only anime I really want to finish is Attack on Titan but that series is depressing af. I just started to watch Dark and I am so hooked up. Did I told you that I have finishes Curon? That was a good series although the plot feels a bit underdeveloped for me. Ju-On is having a series on Netflix too and I am excited!!! But since I'm a scaredy-cat, I will only watch it when I'm back at home with Nabila which has been dubbed as my Netflix partner.

#four - Skin

I have two more sessions left with Hannan Medispa which got halted due to MCO and finally did my last session last Saturday. It was a derma pen treatment and it leaves me with burning feeling afterward. Not to mention how painful it got as the numbing cream started to lose their effect. I got some skin purging afterward but it didn't last more than two days. However, since I am still wearing the mask all day long, there seems to be no end to acne popping around my chin and nose. What's worse is my skin is still healing from the derma pen treatment so I can only apply moisturizer and use Cetaphil. Acne patches didn't seem to be working at all. Apart from that, my skin has been healing well but it will take at least a month for me to see actual results. I've bought a washable cloth mask to minimize skin frictions as compared when I wore the usual 3-ply mask. My usual skin routine helps a lot to prevent acne due to wearing mask but I notice that it was only around the chin and nose area because those are my problematic zone. It tends to get oilier with more whitehead so now I'm researching skin routine that will help me cater to those issues. But for now, two more weeks to go with only moisturizer and Cetaphil.

#five - Car

My next car service is due next month and I think I needed to change my tires in about another three months. I've been planning on doing some stuff on my car as I have been religiously neglecting it far too long. But it seems like I was spending quite much so now I'm thinking to slow it down a bit. I have the worst money management ever. It feels good to actually care for my car. I always thought it was only going to be a means of transport to work and occasionally back home during the weekend but  I was wrong. I travel a lot with it so it needs much care too. I have never been fond of being a "car person" but this car is expensive af so might as well adopt a more caring attitude towards it.

#six - Writing and reading

 

I haven't done much reading after I finish 1Q84 last June. It took six months to finish it and I want to forget all about it and re-read it again! I just can't read something I have already read but I think I can re-read Kafka On The Shore as my memory about it has started to fade. It wasn't easy reading Murakami and it can get awfully confusing but there is something soothing in how he calmly tells his story and how he plays the theme of loneliness endearingly. I think I have three poetry books that I should really be reading and this one young adult fiction that I bought on impulse last October. I haven't been writing poems much but there is some consistency in my poetry account update. I wanted to write more diverse topics which means I need to give more effort in writing instead of my usual spur of the moment poems. 

#seven - Coffee

 

I don't know why did my coffee taste so bad these days. It gave out this bad burnt taste but it still tasted good if I made it into dalgona coffee. Still, it wasn't a feasible idea to make dalgona everyday plus I like hot coffee in the morning. Feeling annoyed, I succumb to my old-time choice 3 in 1 which is Coffeemix. It didn't have enough kick and I dare not add more coffee into it fearing I would get that bad burnt taste but I guess the nostalgic taste makes me feel good enough. I think I should really buy that cheap Pensonic coffeemaker.

#eight - Future?

I actually got such a good revelation during those depressing week. I can't really explain how it got me thinking like this but I realize I need to think about my future more seriously. Since I'm a contract worker and not attached to anyone romantically, I always feel like I am free and nothing can be held against me. What I didn't realize is that I can only live so free for so long. I need solid ground.  I used to feel so burdened thinking about what might happen or what might not happen or how bad the aftermath could be or if nothing will actually ever happen. Because of how stressful it was, I made myself to live day by day, enjoy the "now". It's not like I didn't bother about getting a permanent job at all but it was more on how I think too leisurely about it. But now, with this newfound realization, even with the littlest chances to get a new job anytime soon, it still makes me feel a bit grounded. Like I can feel that solid ground but not in a way that would stress me out. Also, I don't think future me will work in a hospital setting. MCO somehow made me realize that a hospital setting isn't something that I can do for years.

#nine - BTS

I just have to put this on the list as well. What's surprising is that BTS have so much content during the quarantine. We as a fandom are so blessed. They did a lot of Vlive and even going live on Youtube. I could not keep up at all. I usually watch these when I feel like watching something light and filled with goofiness. It always leaves me feeling all warm and nice. There are also new songs being released as well. I almost miss Stay Gold debut like I still haven't heard the new song by Jungkook. Stay Gold MV is so so beautiful and it just feels like the HYYH era but they are happy and more matured. I don't how the heck I got into this mess. I don't do fandom but here I am. 

This post took three days to finish. At that time I've worked for two nights (I was doing the weekend shift) which means I got sleep-deprived. Plus I still have that lingering depressing feeling from the past two weeks that makes me feel so tired and just done with almost everybody. But I make a point earlier before the shift started that I need to chill. 

I was blessed that my working partner was this loving senior staff that I should really be calling makcik instead of kak lol. I was so comfortable with her. We talked about random kinds of stuff like grumbling about my housemates and how annoying that we got rats in our house. I also did some cleaning around the house because cleaning always calms me. This post was also written to keep me grounded. I made more dalgona coffee that tasted creamy and fuzzy and I also bake a cake that I took to work today. Did I mention I got a good sleep last night? It was amazing after not sleeping properly for two nights! 

I also went out with my friend yesterday and talked like nobody business. I told her how depressing it feels for the past two weeks and speaking it out loud actually helps me to confront it better. I was just tired and feel a bit gloomy but it wasn't the end of the world. It was so good that I was stationed to filling section as the week starts today which means I didn't have to bother about prescriptions, doctors, and patients plus the walking around is good for my body too. I also surround myself with peoples that gives me a good vibe and we talked about random things and make stupid funny remarks. I am so happy to tell you guys that I'm feeling so good. 

P/S - We have free ice-cream in the fridge too!

Short Rant on Insecurities

Short Rant on Insecurities

Jun 27, 2020

I want to explain how debilitating insecurities have bothered me and it gets awfully strong especially when I'm having my period. I thought that by understanding the fact that I am simply overthinking things because of my menses/hormonal imbalance will help me feel better. While it is true that my menses worsen my mental state, it seems like the last time I had my menses, I felt quite well. Though it is mostly due to the fact that I got a week-long holiday which means I can easily distract myself. 

Still, what's amazing is that, now, I have found a new topic to overthink and I overthink it so badly while it also merges with the usual insecurities. Hence why I feel I need to write it down. I wasn't even having my menses but god it was such a horrible week and this happens during Ramadhan which means it might be because of hunger, tiredness, and the general hopelessness with Covid-19 and MCO. I even started to rant stupid stuff to my friend. It was amazing how I just manage to merge everything. But as I'm starting to have my menses this week, I realized how the new topic bothers me back again and I'm like "what the fuck, is this going to be a norm now? I DON'T NEED THIS"

On one fine day, I'm going to properly write this one particular topic and just be done with it.

Anyway, I think I am so ready to just bail everything and start new. I'm not running away but the way I live right now was just temporary stuff that has been too comfortable and now I need to start new with a stronger ground. I want to work in a different setting, preferably something that gives me new challenges every day, in a new city, and generally re-invent myself. 

Not to mention that now I found myself becoming more negative day by day. I just don't feel like talking much with others and always succumb to rant about negative things. I can't get myself to be over of other people's flaws like I used too and be humble. I found myself talking more about membawang with my friend and it caught me so off guard how we used to talk about more stupid stuff that didn't concern anyone and it always turns us into a fit of laughter. Since when did I became so critical?

Ok, now I gotta be productive and just start on feeling better at accomplishing tasks starting with washing my car, surveying the cost of car polish and paintwork, do my hair routine, and restock my drinking water like omg kenapa air minum pon aku takdak niii. 

Random Things I Love About My Blog

Random Things I Love About My Blog

Jun 2, 2020

I have started to watch anime again since Netflix is now having a wider range of anime. I thought of finishing Attack on Titan before starting new series but it got too depressing so  I watched Cells At Work. But then I got bored so I randomly started Noragami and it is surprisingly my cup of tea and finished the first season already. I am also currently watching Bungo Stray Dogs and everyone is absurdly good looking.

I got 12 days off for Eid and today is the last day. I just finished tidying my room and finally checks out my laptop after sending it to be formatted a couple of weeks before. I also just did some tweak on this blog that has been delayed since forever. But now I feel like scrolling Etsy for new them and that is how I ended up wanting to write something to commemorate this blog.

I should really write more than simply whining about Covid-19 

Pinterest mood board

I made a BTS-themed pinboard on the right sidebar of my blog. I wanted to create a mood through it and it was hard. Each mood-board took hours and it was totally worth it even though if I am the only one who notices it.

Instagram feed

My poetry account on Instagram has been through multiple changes and my current one fits just so aesthetically-pleasing with my current blog's theme. I have also given more effort to upload more poems so please show some love.

The coolest header ever

My header was the easiest thing I did when I redid the whole blog's design last year. I know exactly what I wanted and by using Canva, it was all done in a jiffy. I thought that I will eventually hated the new name - Crack Culture. Turns out I still loving it until now.

Disqus-ing

Using Disqus was among the most important thing I wanted in my blog even though it disrupt the old comments. It was all over the place but I don't feel like trying to make some sense into it.lú  Disqus has it flaws but it was amazing how interactive it was. I do hope it stops displaying those "other posts" as it becomes redundant.

About Me page

I am being a tad bit narcissistic am I? I need to update the picture though.

Covid-19 Diary (Part 6) - Not Being Fine

Covid-19 Diary (Part 6) - Not Being Fine

May 16, 2020

Covid-19 Diary (Part 5) + Forming Habit

Covid-19 Diary (Part 5) + Forming Habit

Apr 25, 2020

It's the second of Ramadhan and I'm writing this while hearing the special interview of our current Prime Minister. I was so tired that I slept early on Thursday that I missed the news that MCO got extended. I only realize it while scrolling through Instagram while having my suhoor and well, yeah, it is what it is.

I'm being slightly dehydrated during fasting probably because I went to sleep way too early for both days so I didn't drink my share of water. It is not fun plus if I didn't pick up my drinking game, I'll start having mouth ulcers and that this is nasty.

It's Ramadhan but I'm on my own? That's a strange concept. Anyway, I needed to do some things while fasting this month and it is mostly about changing my habit of thinking. Basically, I want to do some thought changes. It seems like my mind is all over the place and I can't stay focus. I keep doing one thing and forgot to do other thing and the cycle continues. I wanted to do something productive but ended not getting the things I needed then I started feeling bad not being productive and yeah, the cycle continues. Not to mention that MCO is getting on my nerve and is closing every shop there is.

Apart from that, there's also this toxic thing I've been doing, disliking some peoples and simply grumbling and complaining about them. I was being a hater and I'm not saying I'm a saint, I just don't like keeping hatred towards peoples even though they deserve it. It was usually a simple "I don't care and I'm letting it go". There are some truly "astounding" behaviors that I faced at work. It was annoying and it wasn't helping that most of my friends also notice it so now there's this bawang session we did whenever the said person does something toward us. I wanted to be unbothered by them and simply tried my best to not having them anywhere near my business. I used to be so good at ignoring people I don't like because the last thing I would do is "being nice" to them. So now I need to be that old me again.

Now, since my mind is all over the place, I need to sit quietly and write this. Just to "see" my thoughts.

To help me clear my mind and be focus, I need to focus my energy on doing one thing that held my attention for a period of time and do it regularly. I might need to try meditation like I used to before using some simple apps. That was a good practice that I did. I'm also thinking to do this set off duaa before sleep. I need to also lessen my usage of the phone. I should start by using less Instagram and maybe set some offline periods throughout the day. I need to also set goals of things I need to achieve at work so that I don't feel so mundane. At least, ticking off the list will give me some satisfaction.

For me to be my old self that simply shut off peoples that I don't like, I must first be able to identify myself having such feeling and then let it go. I usually only notice it after I have vent out. I notice that the relief was temporary and there's this slight uneasiness too. It wasn't as good as how I simply feel peace by being unbothered. That "clearing my mind" step is important for me to do this. I can't be having messy and tangled thoughts for me to be conscious of how I am feeling. Apart from that, I'm trying self-affirmation as well. I think of doing a verbal one, twice daily. Once in the morning and another one before sleep.

Hey, would you look at that? I have a plan!

You know what else I should really be doing? Updating this blog.

Covid-19 Diary (Part 4) feat. Stuffs I've Bought During MCO

Covid-19 Diary (Part 4) feat. Stuffs I've Bought During MCO

Apr 19, 2020

(update - I put the link of where I bought everything, just click at the tittle)

MCO got extended, yet again. #LOL

I read somewhere that one of the ways to get you more excited and simply feels a little livelier to go through day by day (don't ask how I got to read that article) is by having something to look for. Focus on that thing upon waking up. It gets you going. One of the example, that I feel more achievable for me, is to be excited about something posted to you. Probably something you shopped online. 

I remember feeling how expensive and so not eco-friendly the suggestion is but guess who just scroll a Carousell seller for measuring spoons and "other stuff" that she can also post together from the same seller so that we can have more purposeful postage and now owns a mini flask, salt and pepper shaker plus cute plastic wraps. 

In my defense, all those cost me only RM17. Excluding postage. 

Now, why not I share all of the stuff I have bought online due to MCO.

18/3/2020 - Nutox Renewing Treatment Lotion and thermal flask

I was planning for a while to buy these two and just didn't get the chance as I was so keen that I got a good deal. That means, when I found it, I keep on thinking I can get a better deal "somewhere" else. Nutox and good thermal are expensive y'all. I just had to buy it online since MCO has started and also because I thought Watson's and Guardian's weren't operating during MCO. However, buying online is a bit cheaper so yay although it doesn't help my moral conscience of the environmental pollution it might cause due to posting it. I was also about done not finding any flask I liked so I just bought something decent online. It was indeed exciting to get both because I have wanted it for a while.

20/3/2020 - Two set of Cosrx Acne Pimple Master (24 patches)

Still doesn't know that both Watson's and Guardian's were operating per usual, I got stressed with acnes that keeps on coming due to wearing a mask all day long. I was debating on buying it online because it is a mere acne patch which I shouldn't have to buy it online. I'm not a hazard to the earth for god's sake! But the acne bugs me and I comforted myself by buying Cosrx's instead of the usual Oxy's patch that I used. I love Cosrx's acne patch but I can only get it online so I change to Oxy's. Funny story, the patch got missing and once I knew Watson's and Guardian's are still operating, I just get the usual Oxy's one. I am still heartbroken that the patch simply went missing to this day.

27/3/2020 - Some drawing supplies for my sister and ribbons

My sister got bored at home and asked me to buy her some watercolor and brushes. Got her the usual Buncho ones and a set of brushes. Apparently, she can actually draw well. I bought some yellow and green ribbons for Eid decoration at the pharmacy which I have put it away since it seems like we might not get to return home for Eid. So now I have a stash of ribbons lying around somewhere in my room. 

28/3/2020 - Whitecoat

We wore whitecoat in the pharmacy and mine was this unisex one which means it has no cutting. Just a straight boring piece of oversized whitecoat. I was thinking about buying it but never really did buys it until I made this timelapse video of me doing some work at the pharmacy which I didn't actually go over and edited it because my flappy white coat made me look even fatter so yeah I guess it was time. For my whitecoat wearer ladies out there, don't buy it from Kamal Bookstores, get it from Smart Uniform. Smart Uniform is also available in Lazada,

29/3/2020 - Rotating make-up organizer that has been in my cart for months

I'm not even exaggerating. It has been in my cart for months and I just thought I didn't really need it but it turns out to be the best buy ever. I can adjust the height so it could fit lots of stuff, even if I bought new stuff. It rotates so I can simply take something, applies it, put it back and then rotate towards other stuff that I needed instead of putting stuff everywhere and thinking I will come back later to tidy it up. It is the ultimate lifehack for lazy me!

30/3/2020 - 5 Tiers Stainless Steel Storage that hasn't arrived until now wtf where is it???

I got this urge to do some transformation in my room. I thought minimal and open storage would be good since I need space for stuff or else I'll end up throwing stuff everywhere. I bought this exact same thing when I stayed in the studio apartment at the hospital because it was that good but since I have put that away at my home, I bought a new one. The due date for it to arrive is on 11th April but that was a week ago and I still haven't received it. The seller wasn't helpful at all and PosLaju only received written complaints during MCO so now I need to just wait until they reply to me. I might just try to get a refund.

2/4/2020 - Small fluffy carpet

I totally underestimate the size so it was way smaller than I thought it was. Yes, I do read the dimensions written but I just have the most stupid sense of length ever. It was cheap though and it turns out kinda good sitting there. Super fluffy too!

4/4/2020- Schwarzkopf Seborin Hair Tonic. 

I'm too lazy to put a picture. It's a tonic for hair-fall. Someone on Twitter claims it works wonder but I keep on forgetting to put it on. It says that I need to massage it for two minutes but I have never really got into massaging let alone for 2 minutes but I tried my best. It was surprisingly cheap, only RM27 for 300ml.  It smells medicated-ish though but faintly. It also leaves your hair slightly stiff but I wore tudung so I don't really care. My hair-fall is rather controlled by now and I wore this solely to help hair growth especially those flyaways so that it will simply grow long enough for me to tie it back.

7/4/2020 - Google Pixel 2

My Redmi Note 5A cracked, yet again, and it was so frustrating. If I fix that, it will mark a total of RM400++ on fixing phone crack which is how much the phone costs in the market right now. I thought of buying a new phone and wanted something smaller than 5-inch and it seems like my Xiaomi only makes large phones and I will never bring myself to buy an iPhone so, through deep research, I found Pixel 2. But it was a used set since they didn't make it anymore but knowing Pixel 2 is a good phone and the deal was so good, I just had to buy it. It was amazing. Their OS was a bit different though but I just use Google Assistant when I got confused.


Don't let me start on stuff that I bought offline.

p/s: I started to share my poems back on Instagram (@afifahwrites), do visit!

Covid-19 Diary (Part 3)

Covid-19 Diary (Part 3)

Apr 7, 2020

Why did no drinks could offer me a good solace like coffee? I made dalgona coffee and drink it with dinner and still have plenty left to accompany me through the night. But will I get a good sleep tonight? I hope so. But was it worth it? Heck yeah.

Our pharmacy has started our own fever screening which also includes history taking this week. It's just a bit out of place for us to do but we had to do it. My first ever shift was this morning and that was such a way to spend your morning asking random peoples if they might be carrying some silent killer within themselves. The queue builds up at some points but I just went like "pakcik tunggu luar dulu ek". It is still indeed a blessing that there are a whole lot fewer patients than days where there are no silent-deadly-and-really-communicable-disease on the loose. I have the television to accompany me and god there are so many public service announcements about COVID-19 and it was so well done too.

I got tired of the food delivery we have here in the hospital that I really did just went home with no plan whatsoever for dinner. I was like, there are some instant noodles so that should do it. But it turns out I am still fated with a decent meal as I realized like there's some koey teow left from last weekend. Voila!

Actually, I've been doing these cooking charades with a colleague at work on the first and second weekend of MCO. I even went on and make some fancy aesthetic-ish video of it. The first weekend was a simple kek milo kukus and eating whatever they cook but we go hard last weekend. We made cookies, bread and even this instant noodle pizza which is actually just murtabak maggi. We planned for souffle pancake this weekend and I'll be cooking bulgogi for lunch. I hope it turns out good cause I love bulgogi so much. 

BTS apparently is now a Samsung Galaxy S20 series ambassador (is this term correct?). I just realized how disconnected I am feeling with BTS. BTS has always been so forthcoming in social media but now, knowing that they also got holed up, just make me feel mehh. No more lives show with lives fans, no more quirky interviews and also no more life updates of them on Twitter. I wasn't really full-on having to know everything about them in minute details but I'm a fan and they are BTS, their news always creep up and make way. 

My acne acts out so horribly around my mouth and yes, it is indeed due to wearing the mask. The fact that I have acne and still need to wear the mask just worsens things out. I need to stop lowering the mask and just chill if it gets hard to breathe in it. It just got suffocating if I talk too long at one time. I'm trying to only wash my face and applying face mist just to see if it will heal the acne faster.

It feels good to still be able to work. I can't imagine how it feels to just stay home during MCO. Even now, not having anywhere to go after work and hang out with my friends has turned me into this state of being restless and somehow anxious? It was weird. I can't even watch anything on Netflix anymore. It just feels so clogged up somehow. I can still focus on reading and IQ84 is such a therapeutic book that plays the theme of being alone and loneliness so wonderfully.

There's news of PUI and PUS cases around us plus quarantine cases upon quarantine cases but we did well to just brush it off and chill. I got to hands it down to us as a team. I know how any news will usually put us a bit over the center of gravity but we quickly pull through and just go with it. Again, we're still a yellow zone and pharmacy still could do so much for prevention than the frontliners.

There's some laundry left that I don't think I should really be doing now at ten since my housemates are all ready for bed. Better wake up early tomorrow.