So, fun fact! All this quarantine has made me realize how much I have compromised in the name of "everyone has flaws and I am not perfect either". I was so eager to please peoples that it grows so tiring especially when I know these aren't the person I actually want to spend quarantine time together. Out of the many peoples at work, there are only a few that I truly feel bring me actual peace. Most of my actual good friends have been transferred and it was funny how I literally only have this one guy that I can actually call my friend at work. But oh my god, this stupid man is really testing my patience.
Anyway, I was actually a bit depressed with how tiring the past two weeks have been and also life, in general, itself but now I am feeling a bit better after drinking this goodness of a dalgona coffee that is seriously a godsend.
Thank god for good food cause drugs and alcohol are self-destructive so that's a nope. Also, we went for a day trip to Pangkor the other and since it has become a duty-free island, there's a mart selling chocolates so now I have eleven packs of Kinder Buenos #chocolateislife.
Anyway, I am doing these updates on life in points as inspired by Ain Sofiyah's post but since focusing on how life has been as we live in this recovery phase.
#one - Staying true to myself
Spending more time with my colleagues during MCO has made me realized that I was compromising a lot and it gets a bit too much for me even when I reason with myself that "everyone has flaws and I ain't perfect either". I tried so hard to please peoples that it just tires me out physically and emotionally. I didn't even realize it until at one point I just got confused with how I acted and really did went "is that actually me?". It was astronomical how light my heart feels when I went out with my actual friends than when I am with my colleagues. There is a reason my I didn't call my colleagues as friends even though we were comfortable around each other like what "friends" look like. My colleagues weren't bad peoples. They just not my kind of peoples. Although there are some of them that actually bring me peace. Anyway, I just need to tone it down a little and be true to myself. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I only need to hold myself against me.
#two - Spending more time outside
As we can now dine in a restaurant, my colleague had us went out to eat once per week and it has been going on strong for four weeks now. I think they might hold next week off since we went out twice this week. I also went out multiple times with my friends and we did a last-minute trip to Pangkor to celebrate our friend that will be transferring to Sabah. I also had a few days off to just spend time with my family. I believe in creating memories with peoples that you care and it does not have to be only the close ones. We live in a community so once in a while, we have to celebrate that. So, it was so good to have all these chances to bond with peoples around me.
#three - Anime and Netflix series
I bought Bungo Stray Dogs Season Two because Netflix only has season one and season three. Confusing huh? But it turns out that Netflix have recently updated their series and now have season two as well but I didn't even open the DVD plastic wrapper yet. Ruginya duit sobs. I am currently putting anime on hold because the only anime I really want to finish is Attack on Titan but that series is depressing af. I just started to watch Dark and I am so hooked up. Did I told you that I have finishes Curon? That was a good series although the plot feels a bit underdeveloped for me. Ju-On is having a series on Netflix too and I am excited!!! But since I'm a scaredy-cat, I will only watch it when I'm back at home with Nabila which has been dubbed as my Netflix partner.
#four - Skin
I have two more sessions left with Hannan Medispa which got halted due to MCO and finally did my last session last Saturday. It was a derma pen treatment and it leaves me with burning feeling afterward. Not to mention how painful it got as the numbing cream started to lose their effect. I got some skin purging afterward but it didn't last more than two days. However, since I am still wearing the mask all day long, there seems to be no end to acne popping around my chin and nose. What's worse is my skin is still healing from the derma pen treatment so I can only apply moisturizer and use Cetaphil. Acne patches didn't seem to be working at all. Apart from that, my skin has been healing well but it will take at least a month for me to see actual results. I've bought a washable cloth mask to minimize skin frictions as compared when I wore the usual 3-ply mask. My usual skin routine helps a lot to prevent acne due to wearing mask but I notice that it was only around the chin and nose area because those are my problematic zone. It tends to get oilier with more whitehead so now I'm researching skin routine that will help me cater to those issues. But for now, two more weeks to go with only moisturizer and Cetaphil.
#five - Car
My next car service is due next month and I think I needed to change my tires in about another three months. I've been planning on doing some stuff on my car as I have been religiously neglecting it far too long. But it seems like I was spending quite much so now I'm thinking to slow it down a bit. I have the worst money management ever. It feels good to actually care for my car. I always thought it was only going to be a means of transport to work and occasionally back home during the weekend but I was wrong. I travel a lot with it so it needs much care too. I have never been fond of being a "car person" but this car is expensive af so might as well adopt a more caring attitude towards it.
#six - Writing and reading
I haven't done much reading after I finish 1Q84 last June. It took six months to finish it and I want to forget all about it and re-read it again! I just can't read something I have already read but I think I can re-read Kafka On The Shore as my memory about it has started to fade. It wasn't easy reading Murakami and it can get awfully confusing but there is something soothing in how he calmly tells his story and how he plays the theme of loneliness endearingly. I think I have three poetry books that I should really be reading and this one young adult fiction that I bought on impulse last October. I haven't been writing poems much but there is some consistency in my poetry account update. I wanted to write more diverse topics which means I need to give more effort in writing instead of my usual spur of the moment poems.
#seven - Coffee
I don't know why did my coffee taste so bad these days. It gave out this bad burnt taste but it still tasted good if I made it into dalgona coffee. Still, it wasn't a feasible idea to make dalgona everyday plus I like hot coffee in the morning. Feeling annoyed, I succumb to my old-time choice 3 in 1 which is Coffeemix. It didn't have enough kick and I dare not add more coffee into it fearing I would get that bad burnt taste but I guess the nostalgic taste makes me feel good enough. I think I should really buy that cheap Pensonic coffeemaker.
#eight - Future?
I actually got such a good revelation during those depressing week. I can't really explain how it got me thinking like this but I realize I need to think about my future more seriously. Since I'm a contract worker and not attached to anyone romantically, I always feel like I am free and nothing can be held against me. What I didn't realize is that I can only live so free for so long. I need solid ground. I used to feel so burdened thinking about what might happen or what might not happen or how bad the aftermath could be or if nothing will actually ever happen. Because of how stressful it was, I made myself to live day by day, enjoy the "now". It's not like I didn't bother about getting a permanent job at all but it was more on how I think too leisurely about it. But now, with this newfound realization, even with the littlest chances to get a new job anytime soon, it still makes me feel a bit grounded. Like I can feel that solid ground but not in a way that would stress me out. Also, I don't think future me will work in a hospital setting. MCO somehow made me realize that a hospital setting isn't something that I can do for years.
#nine - BTS
I just have to put this on the list as well. What's surprising is that BTS have so much content during the quarantine. We as a fandom are so blessed. They did a lot of Vlive and even going live on Youtube. I could not keep up at all. I usually watch these when I feel like watching something light and filled with goofiness. It always leaves me feeling all warm and nice. There are also new songs being released as well. I almost miss Stay Gold debut like I still haven't heard the new song by Jungkook. Stay Gold MV is so so beautiful and it just feels like the HYYH era but they are happy and more matured. I don't how the heck I got into this mess. I don't do fandom but here I am.
This post took three days to finish. At that time I've worked for two nights (I was doing the weekend shift) which means I got sleep-deprived. Plus I still have that lingering depressing feeling from the past two weeks that makes me feel so tired and just done with almost everybody. But I make a point earlier before the shift started that I need to chill.
I was blessed that my working partner was this loving senior staff that I should really be calling makcik instead of kak lol. I was so comfortable with her. We talked about random kinds of stuff like grumbling about my housemates and how annoying that we got rats in our house. I also did some cleaning around the house because cleaning always calms me. This post was also written to keep me grounded. I made more dalgona coffee that tasted creamy and fuzzy and I also bake a cake that I took to work today. Did I mention I got a good sleep last night? It was amazing after not sleeping properly for two nights!
I also went out with my friend yesterday and talked like nobody business. I told her how depressing it feels for the past two weeks and speaking it out loud actually helps me to confront it better. I was just tired and feel a bit gloomy but it wasn't the end of the world. It was so good that I was stationed to filling section as the week starts today which means I didn't have to bother about prescriptions, doctors, and patients plus the walking around is good for my body too. I also surround myself with peoples that gives me a good vibe and we talked about random things and make stupid funny remarks. I am so happy to tell you guys that I'm feeling so good.
P/S - We have free ice-cream in the fridge too!
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