I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.
Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.
I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.
insecurities
- The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
- My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
- Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
- I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
- All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
- Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.
- I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
- Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
- I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
- I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
- That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples
- I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
- I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
- I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
- I WANT MORE MORNING SHIFTS FFS.
- I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
- I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.