Realization. The Harsh Truth.

 this post here. is a messed up one. started with a confusion. and slightly to a conclusion. 

"Allah, i am very sorry. i am too ignorance"

i pray to Allah. please let me be able to study better so that i can score 4flat for my exam. so with it, i could be a better pharmacist for my community. i pray that this is my jihad. my ibadah. and hope that Allah will accept that.

but, during this study week, i feel like i have lost the motivation to study.

i didn't push myself to reach as much as possible in one day

when stuff get complicated, i can't find myself to take effort to indulge into textbooks.

i reads manga and play game too much.

i wake up so late cause i couldn't sleep early.

and the worst thing is, i got so much that i didn't covered yet but i feel NOTHING.

yet i keep on praying like that. it kills me when day by day, i am still like this. and then i started to wondering. why Allah give me this?

when i pray Asar today, as usual, after solat, i will do my "doa". but this, it's quite special since i just watch this video by ustaz nouman ali khan on his tadabbur al baqarah sentence 186.

watching it, i try to be focus and to realize that Allah is actually there listening to my petty doa. 

suddenly, it struck me hard. it struck so damn hard when i realize that, what i'm praying for, my doa, is a selfish doa. my doa it solely for the better of me. for my future life. though i am convincing myself NO, it is an ibadah for Allah. yes, my intention is that my study will be my ibadah. but, i realize that i am making excuse for myself. i thought that i can skip on doing all those ibadah sunat since well, this is also ibadah. i'm doing all the wajib one's and thought that that was enough as i get my study to back me up. but i was wrong.

ibadah is something that you can't expect anything from it worldly. it was only between you and Allah. it can't benefit you in any way possible except that it will raise your status *insyaAllah* before Allah. that what makes it so hard to have your whole mind into it (kusyuk). we are doing things that benefit us in the way that we know but we can't see or even imagine about it. we, human, are so hard to be stisfied with things that we can't reach. we can't "feel" how actually our ibadah would do us so much in the life hereafter. a life of eternity. well, at least i am. not saying everyone are the same. feeling such, i feel this emptiness in my ibadah. i simply done as it is compulsory. 

very little iman of me, yet i ask for such excellence in life. i only eligible to ask for His forgiveness to all my sins. but, Allah was so great. We know all His sifat and 99 names of Allah BUT the real meaning of it was beyond our imagination. when we say Allah is Very Forgiving, the forgiving of Him would never be anything to be compare with all sort of forgiveness in this world all combine together. This is one of the many reason Allah is one and only God that we HAVE to worship.

which i have failed greatly. i wanted my study to become an ibadah yet i ask for blindly asked for my study to benefit my future life. how is it Allah gonna accept it as an ibadah? i rarely do ibadat sunat taking that i am too occupied or too tired with my study. though this, doing ibadah sunat would really test my faith for Allah. doing ibadat sunat, thing that would greatly benefit us, with all sort of rewards, yet we can see it. and to make it harder, since it need to be done with your free will. this is the proof how little iman i have. 

this is WAR. the real war that I need to fight. i can't be fighting for my brothers and sisters who have their life being taken simply because the believe that the TRUTH is Allah is the only God exist. i can't YET fight in that war before i win this one.

and hopefully, by Allah merciness, that Allah accept our ibadah and then He will give lots of thing for us to enjoy even in this fragile. But, at that time, maybe everything would be a wonderful thing to us. We will enjoy everything that Allah give. the good one, or the bad one. we have so much iman, that we trust Allah so much, that we know that Allah give us only the best. if only we know how to take it. no more emptiness except this urge to do more ibadah. we careless about others except how to get Allah to be pleased with.