I always love the urge to do something. To feel excited. I love the satisfied feeling I got when I finished studied something but somehow I could not get such feeling on study week. I thought it may be because of the stressed and all. The pressure to do well. The thought that I will be dealing with lives and that my exam result kind of reflecting my future patients life's.
Urghh.
BUT. I love study. I really weirdly do. I love to venture new thing and understand it. It's an amazing feeling. Just that I'm not a fan of exam. Though I understand the paramount needs for it. It's a love-hate relationship. It's complicated.
This lack of motivation. It can be of anything. Not only studying. Maybe at working or relationship. I am in so much denial to go for the "adulthood" when I will graduated.Either way, my issues is that, whhat is i can't get motivaated and driven at work? Part of it maybe because of the repating cycle of work life as well as the thought of work is to get you money. I hated that. I want my work life to also be a part of my life. I kept on thinking that I don't want to be different at work and not working. I want all of that to reflect me.
I can see some well example of this lack of a person "life" on working. They are happy. But I don't seem to comprehend how work is separated as a money generator for the other side of their life. It's like I need to be this for a thir of my life so that I could be living "my own the other two third of life" Although most of them seems contented and happy, I don't feel such liking to that kind of two-life.
I don't want the one third of my future life to be an alien on the other two third of my life. I want to be that me at work and off work. That this is all me. Not some one who is living a separate life. Like now when we were studying. This is the friend I am at study and at fun. Yet this is also me reflected in my work or at hanging out. At sharing knowledge or at babbling nonsense.
No, i don't mean to be a workaholic. Me doing work is off outside working hours. I just want that feel of I have done something worth the entire of my life. That i am not wasting any. I don't want to be stucked at something that could not excite me. I don't want to be a workaholic or something. I just wanted to be happy and driven to do anything that I want to.
DRIVEN.
One way of it is to do is tabligh (to deliver). As is to share kindness and word of advise. I do believe if you make your work as a way to improves other people deens', it would work at all times, at work or not. You could be driven to improve yourself so that you can do tabligh better.
The fun trick is that, you were doing Allah utmost order. That everything you want to do or somehow made to do, will eventually work out.
be content.
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