Roll On : Did I touch your soul?

I'm going to "advertise" this post on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook because i am an attention seeker and partly because I want to convey this message to my friend as well.

Does an attention seeker admit he/she is an attention seeker and did you actually thought i am indeed an attention seeker? You see, now i'm confused with myself, am i an attention seeker?

I realized some things yesterday, as if yesterday, my birthday, yesterday my birthday kind of yesterday. My birthday is on 27th July. Yes, yesterday birthday yesterday. I am officially a graduating (insyaAllah) 23 years old stupid, self centered and hopeless girl whose birthday is yesterday.

Anyway, back to the realization.

Firstly, i don't actually expecting my birthday and only come to realize that it is my birthday when my darling Nabila wishes me. She is a 10 years old girl that thought a birthday is an important thing and the fact she remembers mine shows a lot how she is capable to love.

Secondly, days before my birthday, i was going through Facebook, trying to switch off the birthday notification. I never like FB to announce my birthday. At first I thought that I don't want to feel that I am a nobody since i am sure not much will bother to wish me and i will feel rather hurt. Talk about low self esteem there. Sometime i thought it is a personal thing and i dont FB to remind everyone. Also i don't want to be thanking people who i dont really know who simply gave a HB. But the best reason i would say because I myself don't remember my friends birthday much and not particularly inclined to celebrate it except for a certain peoples. To tell you the truth, I think i chose to celebrate for some is because i know it will make them happy and not because i thought birthday is a festive to venture on.

Thirdly, i dont do birthday. I hardly do any celebration that I deemed not necessary. All those Muslim festives, that i do. It is a good and meaningful event that I truly set to celebrate but birthday was like mehhhhhh.

Lastly, i actually DON'T switch it off. The FB notification i mean. I can't find it and simply thought that i might have switch it off for good last year. I don't think i get much wishes but the few i got was so dearly endearing. It come from all of those I have known personally and the wishes they gave are just what I thought how they will actually do it because they were being themselves and that is all i ever wanted.

There are those that didn't wish me and it is quite weird because i always have thought that it is a deemed responsibility. To wish birthday. Well, i know i don't do it much but I always thougt my circles were those of saint thus do take this responsibility. Or maybe i am that much of a nobody. Yeah.

I thought it is quite liberating that i acknowledge these four realization which actually don't really matter much to why i want to do this post but well, babbling is fun.

I always thought i am quite insignificant. I mean, it is not like i pity myself. I just always kept to myself and known to have a harsh approach to things. I thougt i am harsh because my friends were friggin saint. It is quite exagerrated but it truly is. I am lucky to know them although some might thought being too kind is not always good but damn, they were extremely saint that i envy the amount of patience they have.

It just that I don't really know how to be friends to others. I think it is simply because the passion i have don't actually match other. Some people try to fit in, i tried too, i really do, but it's hard to be something that i don't particularly enjoy. Or maybe because i'm a hard person. Or too picky.

I went a rather very long long longgggggg way of think about stuff, like these ramble. Why? I like to understand myself.

The other day, there is this quote i read saying that when we love a particular character in a book, it is a true kind of love because we love them for how they were. Like the way they think, their habit, their insecurities and happiness and etc etc. That we are in love with their soul. I like this quote, it makes me giddy.

So when i understand myself, i think it help me to understand other. Like fitting into their shoes. Or at least by the way i have potrayed myself to others thus allowed me to understand what they might have understand from that. This world is a big play and we are our own main character.

Seeing those birthday wishes, realizing the sincerity behind it, knowing the beautiful person who thought it and understanding that somehow people has appreciated me for whatever things that i may not actually deserved, it makes me happy. It made me grateful. For all flaws i have and stupidly awful at keeping friend, i still have these moment which i really do appreciate. That i can call as my own.

It is not only these wishes really. It is everything. Knowing people and trying to understand them has teaches me a lot. It made me think a lot and i like it. I like to know it. To understand it. To realize how a particular moment may touch deeply into my soul.

I can only thanks Allah so much for these wonderful experience. Even more grateful for the joyous ones. Too grateful to be given the chances to know these people and somehow been appreciated by them. That my petty life has been acknowledge into their life. I do nothing but Allah gaves me this and it is precious. My precious.

I told my friends when we have this last gathering that they shouldn't let anything let them down because they are wonderful. They are wonderful, victorious and strong. I truly, religiously believe it, though some say they do not see it. Heck, I may not be able to speak the words of this wonderful belief i have in them but i do hope they believe me.

You don't understand the depth of understanding i tried to reach upon people in my life and how when i say they are who there are is actually truly what i believe.

So, did you found your soul?

Did i touch your soul?

Happy 23rd birthday Afifah. Improve yourself. Truly believe in yourself. Reach the stars and remind yourself to always be humble. Love Allah. Live for Him.