Roll On: It Has Been 70 Days and My Anxiety

Dec 11, 2017



This one is to all my friend having any hard time - I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.

Hug Jungkook GIF - Hug Jungkook Bts GIFs


Roll On: It Has Been 30 days + 10 Hours

Nov 11, 2017

I'M ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If I ever say "He's alive" or "I'm alive" or "It's alive" please understand that it is an indirect reference to Frankenstein (1931) movie - specifically the part where the Frankenstein lives.

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I had been wanting to write for forever after my previous post but I thought, let's wait a week so that I can give better insight (macam experiment hambik kau) but then things happen and being a working human means I'm lazy + tired + busy. Real question though, anyone misses me?

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So how's "working" after my previous depressing post? Honestly, I live for that excitement after 5pm before I return to my room feeling anxious that ishouldstudyishouldstudyishouldstudy but I'm too tired or I-just-can't-focus or what-the-heck-i-should-study-anyway? 

During this time, I have been pouring my heart out to my friends and they have showered me with some good advice and reminders like -

1. I can't compare myself to a "pegawai". Of course they knew better, they have worked for awhile already.

2. If any negativity happens, just let it pass and don't be bothered by it. 

3. Fuck what others say and what they "might" think as long as you know you're not doing bad things (my friends are decent, they don't really say fuck).

4. Yes, we will fell anxious everyday but it's okay (this hit me hard and just something I really need)

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5. Be dumb, it's okay, it's not a sign of weakness. I realize that I'm afraid to ask because I thought people expects that I know things which is at some points, true, but I just don't remember everything. Sometimes, I do remembers it but either I'm feeling to anxious or just tenses, I can't have myself recalling my memories. That's what make it harder for me and for this I don't have a choice but just ask and ask and try to adapt myself so that I can function better. 

6. Do it for the sake of yourself and not because you want to impress others. I always thought before that I should do things so that my preceptor (the pegawai that will rate me) will sees it and then I can get better mark. Although it is true but it kinda stresses me out until my friend point out that ultimately, my time practicing now is so that I can practice better in the future. Trying to surpass people expectation only stresses you out so it will be hard to improve yourself. So do it at your own pace/way. InshaAllah by time you will improve and that will be seen in your work for my preceptor to rate.

7. Do your work honestly for Allah. My salary will be used by me and my family so it is important to make sure it's barokah is there. For that, I need to be honest in my work, all the time, every time and man, this always soothes me when things feels too much.


But most importantly, I started to remind myself conciously that I need to forgive myself and not expect so much from myself. I have to do it at my own pace and in this beginning phase - it will be hard and it is okay. I just have to do my best but not pushing it too much or else I'll be stressed out all the freaking times. Lets hope I can adapt fast and stop feeling so anxious every morning before work.

Although, I do feeling better now so I don't bother my friends much lol. Thanks guys for spending time to actually help me. I love you guys so much.


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Those who had commented such kind words at my previous post have also make my life better. It's good to know someone who barely knew me actually care enough to give such good words. My blogger friends are the best!

Oh, why the 10 hours? I started my other-than-office-hours shift this week (yay me!) and had done two evening shift which is last Monday and last night (from 5pm to 10pm). Tomorrow's night will be my very first night shift, (10pm-8am). Monday will be my day off since those who work night shift and the next day is a working day will automatically gets the day off.  

Tune in for my next update and we'll see if I'm still having anxiety~

By the way, I've been eating in some cool places here in Sungai Besar, I think I might need to do review for those~

Bye for now, stay away from IT clown.





Roll On: It Has Been 9 Days

Oct 12, 2017

Maybe I'll do series featuring how I feel according to how many days I have worked.





Maybe I will.





this is so out of context but I have to put a picture kann.

Here is the deal. Since there aren't enough spots to do our one-year training/practice service, we can't get the pharmacist practice license. It's the law. Get a degree, practice under supervision for a year (or two) and get the practice license. We need to complete this first. Doctors call it as houseman-ship while for us it is PRP-ship (provisionally registered pharmacist). 

I have waited for about 14 or 15 months to finally get called. I was in the last group from our batch. In those months, we have called many times and were repeatedly promised a spot. Alhamdullilah, this October, I finally get the spot in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Jemaah.

Tomorrow will be the end of my second week and it is DAMN OVERWHELMING.

Staying home for too long had done so much on me.

I forget everything and god know I'm not studying at home for sure, menyesal gilaaaaa.

By everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

From how to focus and study, how to motivate myself, to calm myself, to be confident because now I'm like super penakut of freaking everything and even takut with the pegawai and they are not those garang ones too, wth me! 

I'm not kidding! I feel super timid, I hardly make eye contact, hardly talk. Most of the times I was too quiet for my own good. I was working on automatic and hardly focus to actually get myself practicing. I was hoping that at least my body now had learned to work automatically and just have those muscle memory thingy.

When I get back, I was too tired and can't seem to do anything. Literally anything. Solat and I was like "I can just shower tomorrow~"

I feel so sad. I try to focus, make myself study, in which I can't recall anything that I have studied. I tried to do like daily goals (try to calculate dose today, try to remember the medicine strength we havetoday, try to ask with louder voice today) which I failed miserably. I was so blank and when I try to will myself to focus on those goals, well, let's just say, will me na-ah.

I am now stationed at the out-patient department, meaning those pharmacies you went to collect medicines after being checked by the doctors. To be exact, the filling station, where I'll read the prescription and fills the necessary medications. It was quick and tense (for me lah, others were so laid back), I was always checking only the printed labels although I should have followed the actual prescription itself. I tried to at least reads it and mentally calculate it to make sure it tallies with the printed ones and it took awhile and I feel like I burdened everyone with my slowness. I know I should not feel bad because I'm still new but fuck yeah I'm still feeling super concious. 

I don't know.

One thing for sure is that now, I kinda feel like being a pharmacist in a hospital was actually quite a nice job. I can actually picture myself in the future doing this forever although I always thought I didn't fit in. Although it might be too early to say this since I still didn't do my clinical attachments. 

Oh ya, for this whole year, I will be rotated to all pharmacist department in the hospital so that I can learn everything. When I get the license and can practice legally (insyaAllah), I will be changed to a new hospital where there will I get a specific service/post to focus on. The services include clinical department (those in the wards), the outpatient department, storage departments (manage all those medicine buying etc), inpatient department (caters medicine supply to the wards) and some other services that will take longer explanation.

I should study now but in the midst of needing to study everything, stuck on where to start and also the main problem of not being able to focus - here am I, writing. 

Writing babbling.   


Yay.

Roll On: One Passion, Two Passion, A Higher Reason (handwritten)

Sep 30, 2017

So I feel like writing when I was doing one week "kursus" before working, kinda a compulsory thingy, and since I don't have the time to write on my laptop, I wrote in my notebook instead. Here it is.

It's quite raw and not properly detailed, but I thought, I'll just do it.

I'll be "lapor diri" next Monday and am too nervous at the moment to write anything.

Let's hope the new dormitory have wifi or some sort or else it's gonna be awhile for me to update.



*passion or no passion, challenges will be there and .........



My Almost Mini-Meltdown and I Got A Job!

Sep 20, 2017

I was struggling to write. Stuff has been happening and I feel too overwhelmed with things in my mind that I can't focus on writing. I was so busy doing "actual things" (and also unconsciously avoiding to deal with it by watching tv shows and lots of BTS related videos) that I don't have time to reflect. I like to write when I feel too overwhelmed. It helps me to reflect better, so to finally be able to sit and rants kinda feel good.

So, let's be frank. Meltdown? 

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Eating Manjung: Project Popiah

Sep 11, 2017

I found my favourite snack in Manjung for a CHEAPER price.

So here is how it all began, when I was in UKM, a friend of mine treat me this vegetable rolls which is sort of a mashup of popiah and sushi (they use nori). It was in some AEON supermarket that she grew "knowledgeable" of as she always tries the food there. At first, I was rather a sceptic since it was only (a lot of) vegetables wrapped up and cost quite expensive (which might be due to the venue). But it tasted so good. The freshness of the vegetables, the hint of creamy sauces and the wrapping up with nori is just a brilliant combination. I only eat it twice and the second chance I get to eat it was also in an Aeon supermarket. Our Aeon supermarket didn't have these so I was so excited to get a good and worthy substitute here in Manjung.




My sister says we are old people because we enjoy simpler tasted food more now like soup and veggies goodness wrapped in nori.

Nori means sea weeds. If anyone confused. Don't ask me why I didn't just spell it seaweed.

So, the other day, the mother of a kid I tutored served me this and (being a makcik that I am) she told me where she bought it, when the shop is opened, the fact that the guys who sells it was inspired because he hated bean sprouts in his popiah, which type that her kid didn't like and I instantly fall in love in the first bite.

All of us actually, my siblings I mean.

Which might or might not be due to the shower of *cough* thousand island sauce 




So it is opened sometime after Zuhur and closed quite early. Like 5pm something because if you're like go there by 5.30pm, it is might likely be closed already. It is also closed on Sundays.

There are three kinds of popiah and our favourite is the one with nori of course, duhh. The nori has added a twist of flavour to the popiah that we just LOVE. You can mix the "Vegetables Popiah" with "Ho Chiak Popiah". The sauce for "Ho Chiak Popiah" is good, intensely flavoured with a hint of spiciness. Just the way I like it. But still, I enjoy the one without the sauce more because I'm boring~

look at the portion!

my Redmi 1S being so good for me in taking a good picture

This shop is located near Pasaraya Sakan, just beside TF Mart. I have crossed the road so religiously but had never noticed this shop! The fact that a mother of a kid that I tutored tell me about this just shows how we are meant to be. Popiah and Afifah, my lavh.

Someone stop me.

Enjoy the rest of the pictures I have and don't forget to check their Instagram account or simply use #projectpoppiah. Adios~



we didn't properly manage the food with the chopstick. #truemeleis

Totally loving the cool packaging.

mixing the "Vegetable Popiah" and the "Ho Chiak Popiah"






Roll On: What Did I Do In One Year After Graduating

Sep 6, 2017



It's actually about a month or two more but for the sake of generalisation and simple title, we'll stick with one year.

This takes forever to finish because believe it or not, I'm busy. I started writing before Independence Day and well, we'll see when will it finally been published.


eheh. sorry not sorry.
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I'll tell you guys properly later (as in God knows when later truly means) on why I am not a pharmacist yet. Please just believe me that I'm not doing this for fun. But for now, I'm gonna share what I did in all these time.

Let's do this then.




#1 I worked as a substitute teacher for 2 months


About a month after finishing my study, a friend of mine told me about a substitute teacher opening. It is not under Jabatan Pendidikan Negeri (JPN) but was under Persatuan Ibu Bapa dan Guru (PIBG) instead. Apparently, even with the shortage of teachers, JPN just not hiring more substitute teachers. To cope with it, the PIBG gave some money for the school to hire independently. The salary is small (the teachers called it compensation instead of salary). I taught History to Form One student and Bahasa Malaysia to Form Two students. It was a really good expose for me befriending the teachers and the kids. I was really enjoying teaching too. However, it was quite a big challenge for me in being patient and coping with the more badly behaved kids. All and all, I'll do it all over again if I was given another chance at it.


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#2 Blogging my heart out


I was always a blogger and apart from the time constraint, the Malaysian blogging community was another reason why I didn't blog more seriously. You see, during my studies, I still do a little bit blogging but I didn't get involved with any other bloggers. It was hard blogging in English guys. More importantly, I regard writing as a beautiful skill and looks up to those who can write properly. It is quite hard to find these kinds of quality hence I didn't have many blogs that I truly enjoy and genuinely want to know more about the blogger behind it. All factors in, I wasn't a more avid blogger then than I am now. As I start to blog this time, I was so surprised to finally knowing lots of local quality blogs that I truly enjoyed (like the one in my blog list). The blogging community is just so precious for me right now. I hope I can write forever!





#3 Reading *coughs*


Some of the quality blogs that I have grown to like have this Goodreads yearly challenge. It was a wild thing for me. I never met anyone so passionate and is so objective-minded in their reading. I do read, but not so much. This is also the time when I start to learn about book bloggers too. It gets me pumped up and I quickly make my own challenge. I only vouched for 25 books and now I am on my 11th book (kill me). My progress was so slow because I want to read books that widen my views though my true favourite genre is fiction (English preferably). I also read three poetry books and oh my god, you guys don't have any idea how emotionally exhausted I am reading those. I hardly get more than five pages per sitting. 

The Uswatun Hasanah and Gifts of The Heart book were in my possession for years before I finally read it.



#4 Writing poems


On May the 22nd, I decided to use my Instagram account as a poetry account since I don't really post any pictures anyway. At the moment, I just post whenever I get an idea and it was quite childish in a way. The presentation is awful too. I was learning to understand the poetry community in Instagram which turns out to be more exciting than the one in Wordpress. It is easier too since everything is there. I started to join writing prompts and by 16th August I decided that my Instagram account gonna be an official poetry account. I do all things that I want to have in an official poetry account - a proper business profile account (that's why I need to make a facebook page lolz), a proper Instagram account name (@afifahwrites), a symbolic DP (black wings), becoming more interactive, proudly identifying myself as a poet and most importantly - to get more involved with the poetry community. This short experience has taught me lots of poetry writing and I actually set some goals for September. I even do cool feeds etc guys. This is my golden trophy. You guys can scroll down to be linked to my poetry account. By the way, this stuff took a lot of time.


@afifahwrites



#5 Housechores and other stuff


Since my mom passed away, I take the responsibility to cook whenever I'm home. Cooking is such a fun thing for me and to be able to cook a satisfying meal just makes everything worth it. If I feel like it, I even make some dessert guys. Sometimes I didn't let my other sisters cooked because I want it to be done my way. Apart from cooking, there are the regular laundry work and cleaning the house work and so on. I have plenty to do daily even without writing poems or updating my blog. The other stuff is those things that we have to do every once in while like going to our kampung to collect sawit money (my dad grew palm oils), heading everywhere since Muslim studies in Jitra, Natrah with her Ipoh's dental appointment and we usually visits our relatives in Puchong, paying bills and car loans (which took an honest the whole morning to have it settled) and cooking small feast for the weekly  surau's after Yasin feast. Since these are physical and I have the worst stamina ever I might let myself lazying around after finishing the works. Yay unemployment!


He is literally a ball of sunshine
source x Hiatus x (Pinterest)


#6 Movies and TV shows


Mostly movies as I quickly get bored with tv shows. Although currently, I am rather swooning over Tom Hiddleston in The Night Manager and also am eagerly waiting for the second season of Stranger Things. I tried to watch some new TV shows but all bore me like Elementary, Lucifer, Riverdale and 13 Reasons Why. I am a movie kinda girl. I've been meaning to list all the movies I have watched but that's gonna take quite some time to actually remembers it all. Recently, I just finished rewatching Lord of The Ring trilogies as I didn't follow the plot closely when I watched it during high school. You know how these movies take ages - I roughly spend 12 hours to finish it. I am going to finally watch the third movies in The Hobbits trilogies. I was so sakit hati with the second one because it titled The Desolation of Smaug but Smaug screen time was at the end of the movie only and it was only for about 15 minutes. Arghhhhh. 


I might have a new craze
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#7 Tutoring jobs


I've been doing tutoring jobs for some time but it was just part time. About three months ago I started to teach two kids - one is having her UPSR and another one is having his SPM this year. About two months ago I started to teach another kid for his PT3. You could say their moms are resorting to personal tutoring as their last resort for their kids to face exams. I was introduced by my friends who was teaching the kids mathematics. Oh, I forgot to tell that I am teaching English. It was quite hard for me since their grip in English is quite low than what I was during high school. That is why I was hired anyway. I have to spend some time to brush up my Grammar and preparing materials to teach them. It was hard to instil that English is easy but they have to read more and write more. Well, they are kids right. I hope I can at least get the basics right so that they can see how wonderful writing and English language is. #prayforcikguafifah #prayforthekidstogetAinEnglishtoo






I guess that was all. I actually wrote in my notebook on the points  I want to write but the book is downstairs and I am upstairs. I just gonna accept it wholeheartedly if I missed any point.



omg, I FINALLY FINISHES THIS.




Roll On: A Cultural Coffee Tale from afifahaddnan

Aug 25, 2017

I am a sucker for caffeine


I am a sucker for cute Kopitiam


I am raised with that cute small white coffee cup with creamy coffee


This gonna be me, fangirling, over my favourite local coffee.


please bear with me.
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Ok, you see, I love coffee (did everyone gets that?) but even though the Western's cappuccino and latte are good, I will always glorifies Malaysian kopi - be it black with sugars or creamy with condensed milk. 

Roll On: Good Practice To Do When You Meet a Doctor (Malaysia)

Aug 23, 2017


This is supposed to be What Malaysians Should Do When They Got Sick (Part Two) however, I managed to do a specific theme on this so I just rename it to Good Practice To Do When You Meet a Doctor (Malaysia). You see, the contents of my first post seemed a bit all over the place. I have a lot of things to tell but I don't really have a good way to make it seems more structured. It was like I'm just pouring out words after words. However, this time I got it structured better hence the title.

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Roll On: Boring Stuffs I Bought with My RM150 Lazada Voucher

Aug 19, 2017

  

In case you guys didn't know, I won an RM150 Lazada Voucher for that Ramadhan Raya Blogger Contest. It was such an amazing feeling and not only that, it was initially an RM100 voucher but when I have submitted my details they sent me the voucher code saying that "oh we changed our mind, have an extra RM50" like what!!!???

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So for today, I'm gonna share you guys what I have bought. I'm not kidding you guys though. It was boring stuff. I was focusing on getting things I need that I thought I don't really need this but still, it's gonna be somewhat useful so I have an extra RM150 so why not?

Warning - this gonna involves lots of pictures. I want that you guys could compare the images of the advertisement and the actual thing, so I put both pictures.

#1 RM30 Umobile Topup


I told you I was boring. The freaking mobile top-up was on my top list. You see, I'm just working part time as a private tutor so I gotta have my essentials all fix first. I am using a postpaid account but Umobile allowed the bills to be paid by a simple credit top-up. Easy huh? Got easier as Lazada now sells top-up with no extra charge too! I get the top-up about one or two hours afterwards. Actually, there is a discount for mobile top-up this August, go grab it!


#2 Face Brush


It gets duller with a face brush. I used to have an automatic face brush but it got broken and I thought to give this kind of brush a try. The automatic face brush makes my face feels so clean but although it wasn't that big, it still feels bulky to me. This one is just so cutely small but since I'm using Cetaphil now so it didn't get all foamy yet the soft bristles feel so good.




#3 Vietnam Mask

This mask is just da-bomb and I am boring. Anyway, I am loving this so much and it gets so satisfying once you peel it off. This cost around RM10 here so buying it online was cheaper. Actually, I bought this before and it was spilt by my sisters. I keep this one so well so that the same mistakes won't repeat itself.




#5 Grammar Books


I bought a grammar book, I won the dullest person alive award. 

Apart from tutoring kids, I was also interested to get my grammar on point since I want to write better both in my blog and my poems. I couldn't find any grammar books suitable for me around here and finally, settles for this. It is such a good book too and it was tailored for Malaysian students. I wanted to add this in my Goodreads challenge as well but the publisher didn't have it on Goodreads. So I added it myself. Hee.




#6 Hanging storage


My dull got better as now I have a makcik's dull. I need some storage space that I can simply stash things into it. Here is my solution. I thought it was posted from somewhere in Malaysia. It is not. I bought some silly foldable storage and had it delivered from China guys. I'm hopeless.



#7 Some hand cream

I was contemplating on the idea to have a small hand cream or lotion to carry around since my dry hands are just super annoying. Since lotion hasn't work that well I choose this one. I always loved Nivea deodorant and it got that anti ageing stuff going on and............................ it's cheap. There I said it. It works wonderfully so I guess jackpot?



#8 Chic sandals


I know I said boring but this one gonna be my little joy. The collection of sandals from China is just so beautiful and I thought that I should grab this chance to get one. Going through all kind of design and colour and prices, I finally choose this one. It was not until all have been paid up that I realize it was the wrong size. I can change or return it since it was a voucher which means I would not get anything back. So Nabila got a new sandal now. Yay. By the way, the postage fee has to be paid yourself. Vouchers didn't cover that. Now you know it.




they stiched it at the side and it looks good for me + so secured too. it adds up an inch to Nabila lol.
the sole is so comfortable.




#8 Wireless earphone

I think I have a weird fetish for earphone and headphone. I always have to have something good. I have a big headphone which sounds so good but well big, I needed something I can go around with and not stuck to anything (read as ugly dancing freely). I guess it is time too since my last earphone went missing. That just how it goes with seven siblings. However, this is so cheap like WTH. It works well and the sound is good too. It is currently all compatible with my sisters Huawei and my brothers Lenovo and of course my Xiaomi.









So, let's be frank, am I dull?


Roll On: My Insecurities in Blogging

Aug 14, 2017


This is a cry for help. 


Yes, fellas, you have read that right. I know I have been updating the blog so religiously this August but seriously, I never thought it's now making me feel like this. Like I am being a horrible blogger instead. This feels so horrible.

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Roll On: Our Trip to Berjaya Times Square Theme Park

Aug 11, 2017

That peak was on Level 8 of Berjaya Time Square building. The scenery was amazing!

About a week into Syawal, we went here to have a short "vacation" since we didn't manage to get anywhere this holiday around. You see, both of my brothers study in those private schools specialize in memorizing Al Quran and stuff, so the only time everyone is in the house is around Syawal. At first, Nabila bugs us to go to a fun fair here (which is oddly still here until now) but I told her the games were too expensive and it was cheaper to just go to Berjaya Times Square.

Roll On: What Malaysian Should Do When The Got Sick (Part One)

Aug 10, 2017

More writings on pharmacy! Yay!!

Ok, yada yada, I'm a graduate of Pharmacy in UKM, yada yada, let's talk health.

These are few notes for you guys to practice when you got sick later and I only put the word "Malaysian" since I wrote this based on my limited experience with Malaysian compared to what I have learned in UKM. Apart from that, it is also because there are few things that I think Malaysian may not know that they need to take extra attention. My writing is just so long because I love you guys and I really really want to share these important things. So I have to do this in parts.

Oh my gawd that is so confusing. I don't have any good idea for opening so let's just gets to it.

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Roll On: Malaysian Reading Behaviours

Aug 9, 2017


I have done few types of polls during my curatorship for @twt_buku

I know, that curator thing had passed like a million years ago but I have put this as list-of-topics-i-will-blog-about so I just have to still do this. I hope you guys can benefit from this. These are merely my curiosity.

You see, I'm not really a reader and the first time that the idea of reading lots of books come to my knowledge is when we were in high school. Everyone reads those cheesy love novels by Alaf 21 and for me, that's no reading. Upon entering university I learned that there are actually plenty of books to be read and even though it is exciting I learned another new thing also - I don't really enjoy all books. Yet, even so-called "universities student" we didn't really spend much time reading. We watched lots of movies though.

 Books are wonderful. A lot of exciting new things and adventure. An escape. An answer. A whole new world. From there on I try to keep challenging myself to read or at least find more books that I think I will like. Wattpad and fan fiction has been wonders as well.

Excuse me, sir, what you're doing with your lips is so unnecessary.
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Roll On: Giveaway Preloved Comic By Elsaalicious

Aug 7, 2017

I only join a giveaway or segment of bloggers that I truly want to follow (get updates). Here is one of it and it is not because Lawak Kampus is the best.

Come on, she even made it in HTML codes so I just paste it like heck yeah this is the next level of making life easier.

Just a quick reminder - submit your blog's link at my Awesomeness Ultimate Blog-list and help me improve my blog by rating me HERE.

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Giveaway Preloved Comic By Elsaalicious
Giveaway Preloved Comic By Elsaalicious


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Roll On: Types of Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings (for writers out there)

The other day I read this post and thought that I feel cringy but it really isn't about cringy. It's like part annoying but I was really annoyed. The point is I can't find words to describe what I feel. Then I remembered that the other day (before that day, of course, stay with me) I wanted to learn words to describes different kind of feelings and moods. 

I'm also thinking to have a discussion with this Year 6 students that I am tutoring about different kind of feelings. It will help for her to write more since she needs to write based on pictures. I trained her by questioning things in the picture and one of it includes to identify the facial expression and understanding what the person in the picture is feeling.

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