Roll On: Afraid of Ramadhan

So, I asked "How to be prepared for Ramadhan" on my Twitter hoping some insightful answer. I can't remember the answers given though. I think there are two peoples who suggest something but seriously, I can remember none.

The question was asked because I was afraid. I still am afraid. Everyone knows how blissful Ramadhan is and yes, it is so exciting that every reward for every deed is multiplied many times over. Not to mention that Shaitan are locked and everyone was in the spirit to do more ibadah. It was the very essence of magical in its purest form. Not to mention how cleansing it feel to be fasting and how fasting reminds us that every minute passed has to be spent wisely.

But that - that is such a big commitment and for that I am afraid.

Since January until early May, I refuse to work so that I can focus on babysitting my sisters. My dad was out abroad at the time so I was really in between assuring myself that this is for the best and if I was making excuses not to work. However, I knew it for sure it is the right choice but those nagging feeling keep taunting me like I was utterly wasting time. 

Before, I was always on the move and that made me feel useful. It made me feel that I was doing something with my life. This wasted life, however, made me feel impotent and the "nothing to be done" made me feel like I was worthless. Am I?

I tried to read more but it just feels so hollow. Try to blog more - still feel hollow. I spend times into little projects around the house like sewing and gardening and some massive cleanup - that got boring as well. I guess that is how it felt to be working on things you don't have passion about. OMG, please don't let that be me.

Anyway, these wasting time also made me feel spiritually far from Allah. I do read Al Quran and we have Kitab reading session plus some sharing session, but by time all those become hollow. My life feels so hollow. 

Wasted time is such a cruel joke.

I was so sure to find some works when dad got home but alas I can't find any good ones (which means the one that dad will approve) and later I just stopped because I think I should just be focused on myself this Ramadhan. How ? I don't know.

Ramadhan with all its glory may just be wasted away by my stupid lazy ass.

I know I should at least made myself a daily muthabaah and targets and stuff but I was so afraid of planning because I can see that I will fail. 

But I will try my best to make the best out of this Ramadhan.

#prayforkakpah

I'm dead serious - go pray for me now.