My Almost Mini-Meltdown and I Got A Job!

I was struggling to write. Stuff has been happening and I feel too overwhelmed with things in my mind that I can't focus on writing. I was so busy doing "actual things" (and also unconsciously avoiding to deal with it by watching tv shows and lots of BTS related videos) that I don't have time to reflect. I like to write when I feel too overwhelmed. It helps me to reflect better, so to finally be able to sit and rants kinda feel good.

So, let's be frank. Meltdown? 

(source)

I keep have these down moment that at times I feel like crying for the most stupid reason and the last time I cried (for an actual reason), I kinda promised myself to just cry whenever I feel like it. But to date, in each meltdown-ish moments, I didn't cry. Which was so frustrating! I was so easily angry too. I get annoyed like almost all the time and feel so tensed. We were having guests for a couple of days and I can't help feeling like I was pretending to be someone else, all bubbly and chatty. Which of course made me feel worse. 

At first, I thought it was only my period/hormones stuff but I realised that it wasn't. The day I get the news of my employment, I didn't really feel anything until nearing bedtime when I finally let that idea sink - I honestly had to remind myself to breathe and it feels so strangling. I quickly try to sleep.

I'm not saying I'm depressed or wanting to whine - I want to immortalize this. To properly sees myself at my worst moments and just to show it's okay to feel these ways. It was just me learning to have a better understanding of myself. 

btw, drinking chilled water always made me feel a bit better, I don't know why.
(source)

This is a strange thing for me because I always regard myself as that girl who keeps it all together, always have the solutions, always able to let go, always so strong. I don't cry because it was pointless. I always made myself to suck it all up because things happened and you just have to deal with it. I always try to be less weak because there are others who get it worse.

To be put in this strange spot made me understand it better that everyone has their own pain and even the littlest one should not be minuscule. 

As a pharmacy student, we learned how to ensure we were giving the right amount of painkillers. In pain management, each patient has to rank their pain themselves. Even if you have the same condition, but if the other person feels he/she is having a more painful moment than you, then he/she will likely have a stronger painkiller than you. Even biologically, pain is subjective.

This is not probably the best thing to say since I'll be working in a tense environment that will probably drain out my life because everyone knows that PRP-ship (same like housemen-ship but for pharmacist instead) means, well, PRP-ship. 

I'm stepping into a new world. I'm finally to put test if I fit into this grand scheme of pharmacy (working in a hospital I mean, Hospital Tengku Ampuan Jemaah to be exact).

I can do this.

I will Jin~
(source)

Yes, I got a job. Pharmacist, of course, a two-year contract and for my first year, the PRP-ship year, I will be working in a small district hospital in early October. Pray for me guys. I MEAN IT.